The most powerful way to build relationships on Twitter happens to be a “well-kept secret” known by everyone:
Don’t keep score
Hear me out on this one. Like many folks, I’ve caught myself thinking: “Hey, if I promote this person they’ll owe me one - we’ll help each other out!”
At first, I’ve felt like Gandhi. But after a few re-tweets with nothing in return, Gandhi got resentful. I’d then move on to another “friend” hoping to find a more “mutually beneficial” relationship.
This approach on Twitter is not only ineffective - it feels like you’re getting screwed at some poker game.
Enlightened Self-Interest
The most valuable relationships I have on Twitter have been created when I’ve given freely without expecting anything in return. And when I approach relationships by putting others first, the universe takes care of my agenda - and the universe is actually pretty good at getting shit done.
But this only works when I give without expecting any returned “favors.”
“Zero? Ziltch?”, you say?. “Come on, John! We all have agendas. How do you expect to get ahead?“
Ahead of who?
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I totally agree! The more you give, the more you get back.
Thanks for a post that’s short and thought-provoking. I agree and have a few related observations:
1. Obsessing about follower numbers, promising to auto-follow new followers, etc. definitely counts as “keeping score.” I’m not interested in following someone just to help them reach a certain follower number — I’m interested in the value they provide with their tweets (which means, to be congruent, I try to provide value with my tweets as well).
2. Helping others on Twitter is easy. Someone poses a question, you dash off an answer. Someone wants a recommendation, you post a URL. It’s not like putting hours into a pro bono project, or doing spec work. You just pitch in where you can. So even if you frame everything in cost/benefit terms, the cost is very low — which means you can talk yourself into believing it’s OK to get absolutely nothing in return. Then when you get a thank-you, that’s more than nothing!! And everybody wins.
John, what an interesting post! I totally agree about putting others first. I don’t keep score when it comes to who retweets what I say etc … I find I mostly retweet what others want to share and people thank me and retweet the retweet. Information is always power and if I can help empower someone in any way - then I’ve done my job.
I’d love to pick up your Twitter book and see what great insights you’ve shared with us.
Cheers,
@digitalfemme
@Calvin - Actually, you were one of the folks who served as the inspiration for this post. Thanks. Oh, I posted a picture of you on TwitPic.
@Wendy Cholbi - Wow, I’ve never thought about your 2nd point… that Twitter allows folks to take micro-actions that support others - totally doable for anyone.
And because it’s low “cost”, as you say, it makes it easy for people to give tons of value. Grant Griffiths, on a prior post said “I try to live my social media life by, give way more then you receive.” So it’s almost making deposits in a very stable Karmic bank! So Grant’s “value credit” ultimately is not more followers, but is his faith that he is living according to his convictions. His value is intrinsic to his action of giving (Hmmmm….trying to get my head around that one….)
@digitalfemme - I can barely remember what I had for breakfast, much less keep score. Thanks!
John
You are a man after my heart John. If only those on twitter would live by what I have started to call the twitter golden rule “give before you expect to receive anything in return.” As you suggest, if you do this, the return will be 10 fold to you and the snowball will just keep rolling along and growing.
It is amazing to me how this is so true and how it truly works on twitter. It is amazing how a simple tweet or retweet can have such a huge impact on everyone. From the original tweet to those who read the tweet or click on a link. The reach someone gets on twitter by giving is larger then words can even define.
Once again, right on point John. Way to GO!!!!!
Grant,
Thanks. Yeah - I like what Wendy said about Twitter. You certainly wouldn’t be able to grow a “giving culture” if you had to write a damn novel to someone.
140 keys is just my speed.
John
Gassho and thanks for the love, John — you rock.
“Benefiting from Twitter” is one of those paradoxes, isn’t it? The way to get benefits (whether that means sales, donations, followers, retweets, etc.) is to let go of the need and desire for them, and approach tweeting as a selfless activity. Only then do the benefits start to roll in. Financial gurus say the same thing about money and dating experts say the same thing about relationships. Hmm.
I like your characterization of the Twitterverse as a “giving culture.” I certainly hope that keeps being true! When giving is fun and easy, as it is with Twitter’s instant feedback, we all benefit.
100% percent accurate. I came to Twitter in September not even thinking it would be a great way to promote my blog. It has done that on its own without me plugging or annoying anyone with tweet after tweet about whatever I’m trying to promote. I don’t operate that way and I’m turned off by anyone that does. The best business-type relationships I’ve cultivated are from friendships. So, I look at Twitter as a way to grow friendships and then…in simple conversation, I make connections I may NOT have. Be genuine, have fun…it’s like meeting at a great restaurant bar. You never know who you’re sitting next to so just talk about life and watch things unfold.
@Wendy Cholbi - Agreed. I look at it this way: When I die, the number of Twitter followers I had will not be listed in the obituary.
@Cheryl - My best business relationships have come from natural connections as well. Now go give back the string cheese and the Clearasil, will you?
John
My favorie advice on networking was to just do favors for people. Don’t “network,” just be useful. Let it happen. It’s the only way that has worked for me. Bonus: It feels good, too!
@Mak - “Let it happen.” Great advice!
Not to get all philosophical and mystical on you, but an old Sufi story comes to mind about the ordinary man who was granted a single wish.
This man’s wish was to do good in the world every day as he went about his business - but *never know* exactly what good it was that he did. (Don’t ask me why he wished that; that’s just how the old story goes.) Well, it seems that God thought this was quite a good wish for the guy to make - and so the same wish was granted to everyone in the world.
Of course, that’s just a story.
If someone reading has the feeling that you’ve told them not to think about his or her tongue then he or she has an agenda.
There is nothing wrong with having a strategy, but the spirit of this post is more along the lines of passing the potatoes at the dinner table: you just do it.
I love this post.
Cheers,
Mitch
So very zen of you, ol’ wise one.
I like this Wendy as I agree with much of what she has written.
Too often, I see people “obsess” not just over how many followers they have, but over their “grade” as well.
I enjoy the mini conversations with my fellow Twits just as much as I enjoy the bits o’ info they may share.
The constant RT’ing for the sake of “look at me” or “holla back” is ridiculous. There are plenty of other interfaces where this type of behavior is considered “totally rad, dude.” I look at Twitter as an adult’s playground. Not Chuck E. Cheese.
Thanks again for the Law-of-Attraction-like post.
Adonya Wong
“I am not what happened to me; I am what I choose to become.” - Carl Gustav Jung
@rjleaman - Rebecca - you totally have this down on Twitter and in the AB Forum! Remember how you helped me when my blog burned up in flames? Thanks!
@Mitch - Thanks so much for joining in. The subtitle on your blog, fits right in with what some people are talking about: “Reflections on the Mutability of the Interwoven Internet”
Are you following @mayhemstudios?
@Adonya - Yum… Chuck E. Cheese does have pretty good pizza, though.
Thanks all,
John
Twitter, business, life, real live face to face relationships (dude, remember them?), the principle holds true. I tweet links to posts and retweet because something I’ve stumbled on has value, plain and simple. Most of those actions are not directly reciprocated. That’s fine, it’s not why I do it.
But, what about indirect reciprocation? Retweet karma is a funny thing, I’ve found that, given enough time, it often circle back, but it doesn’t necessarily come back your way instantly or in the form of a retweet back in your direction. Think bigger picture. And, do it just because it feels good.
John,
I wanted to thank you for linking to my Imagine Your Audience post and also to let you know that I found your book on Twitter for non-profits incredibly valuable. A few years ago, I founded a trade association and a sister non-profit and while both have grown steadily through blogging and social media tools, Twitter will take us to a new level and also distinguish us from the more staid DC lobbyists and trade groups. I hope to be able to share success stories with you about our Twitter use very soon.
Carolyn Elefant
John, thank you.
You walk the walk.
Interesting thing about this recent Twitter Grader mania and what seems to be the wholesale discovery of Twitter by the clueless and/or cynical marketing hords: I sense that it’s provoked a lot of people to come more or less independently to a similar place as you’ve described in this post. And that can’t be anything but positive in the long run, surely!
I find twitter wonderful. I agree with Mayhem Studios who is awesome at giving back to community and Wendy’s post. I dont’ mind RT’s as I think of them as helping others get the word out beyond the small circle of friends. I love being able to change the link as much as I want. For instance mine right now is for my kid’s friend who has leukemia and is undergoing chemo. I used my articles on my ehow page as a link here.
I like being able to do short and getting to know friends in VARIOUS circles. Learning lots.
@Jonathan - “do it just because it feels good” - good point. Kinda like “Instant Karma”, because you get the effect when you make the cause.
@Carolyn - Twitter seems to have a higher viral component than most social media, maybe because of the low “cost” that Wendy talked about (”Someone poses a question, you dash off an answer. Someone wants a recommendation, you post a URL”).
@rjleaman - What I’m learning from the comments here is that stuff get’s done precisely because the required effort is so minimal. It makes me think about services like mGive and SocialActions.
Your title really says it, get the Universe to promote you.
The Universe does a much better job of keeping (and settling) scores, than any human ever could.
The Universe is like Santa, knowing when I’ve been good on Twitter and when I’ve been self-centered. But the Universe-Santa visits us every day and very, very quietly.
Thanks for pointing all this out.
Leila,
Very seasonal analogy - thanks!
John
Late to the party here, but I totally agree with the concept of enlightened self-interest. Social media is a wonderful vehicle for this. You can’t think about what you get out of it, or that kills it. You just give to others knowing that in some form, in some way, it will probably come back to you. But even if it doesn’t, the experience has still taught you something valuable.
Nice to see this is generating such a valuble conversation. Its a principal that holds true in all areas of life - its better to give than receive ( and when. You give it usually comes back)
@Michael - Thanks the added wisdom: “…give to others knowing that in some form, in some way, it will probably come back to you. But even if it doesn’t, the experience has still taught you something valuable.”
In a way, because experience itself is beneficial, the effect of the cause is in the same moment as when the cause is made… reminds me of that White Stripes song: Effect and Cause
@Frank - Hey, welcome back! How’s Blackbaud?
Hi John!
A gremlin kept me from replying earlier. Thanks for mentioning my blog.
I like Michael’s version better than mine:
You can’t think about what you get out of it, or that kills it.
I try to just have fun with twitter. Two years from now, we’ll all be doing something else, anyway
Cheers,
Mitch
Good lesson for life and business!! I love your last line “Ahead of who?” because it is so true. My theory: the one person people are really trying to get ahead of is themselves. The faster you run, the more you make, the more busy you feel, the less you need to spend worrying about those parts of yourself you are unhappy about or scared of. Give freely, expect nothing, and look inside every now and then to check in - this is the key to satisfaction, on twitter and in life!
@Nacie - Great point - happiness is not the money, it’s a state of being.
@Mitch - Excellent reminder that social media goes way beyond twitter. I heard Chris Brogan recently said in a podcast that Web 2.0 is simply a “two-way” web instead of a “one-way” web. Wherever you have a two-way web, you have relationships.
John
Calvin is a Media Monster! He is a living example that this works!
Andy - thanks for practicing enlightened self-interest by posting this on your blog.
John
I guess I am just pretty selfish. I like to help out others, especially if it isn’t in my power to without much effort. I like to help because it makes me feel good and I like it. So all in all pretty selfish here.
You do a great job of getting your point across without rambling on. Giving what you can when you can without keeping score has always worked for me. It also helps me sleep very well at night.
Great post! Loved the esoteric slant to it.
Twitter is a microcosm for the way all social media works. It’s an ecosystem. It’s built on goodwill and if you take without giving back, you deplete the goodwill that comes in your direction. Net-result: you get negatively-selected and that’s the end of you.
It’s also the reason many corporations don’t immediately find their feet in the social media world. The idea of doing something without an immediate and quantifiable return (in monetary terms) is alien to them. They don’t understand the balance.
Like I said earlier: great post. Looking forward to the next one.
I can only hope the corporates don’t spoil it. I have an article I am drafting on giving without expectation. As one a generation or two up from genX, I am amazed at how giving for giving’s sake has become outdated. Almost everything given has some expectation of return. Right down to charitable giving for tax returns. I don’t know exactly how prevelant this minimula selfishness has become: whether it is nationwide or globally a large problem or not. I am sure the depths of the attitude of giving with expectations we will be seen by reflections in social media. Which will either prove or disprove my hypothesis.
These are also good life lessons.
Sweet points, John.
@Alrady - Very thoughtful comments. I think the culture of giving and helping others is huge in social networking.
@Amod - I love how you call Twitter an ecosystem. Has a nice ring to it!
@Pink & @Joni - Thanks for stopping by!
Interesting post with an intriguing ongoing conversation!
I’m constantly amazed at why people follow me. At first I asked every new follower and the top answer was: because someone else was following you. Maybe that’s true for everyone.
To me, delivering value, entertainment and relevant content drives our collective twitter experience.
And I have to say I don’t know if it’s the universe, serendipity or timing, but there’s a rhythm and purpose to what goes on when you converse in your own twitterverse.
@wiredprworks on twitter.com
KUDOS to you for being able to understand my meanderings. I appreciate your commenting on my comment. After thinking about this more I wanted to add something. WE see acts of selfless giving a lot in real life in various area. Usully it is spontaneous giving that is the most selfless. The slipping a can of food into a cart, answering friends phone call of need in middle of night etc. Maybe that is why Twitter fits so well for so many people. Spontaneous.
@Alrady - “…spontaneous giving that is the most selfless”. This is exactly why non-profits and small businesses should include Twitter is their marketing strategy.
1) - It requires very little technical knowledge to become proficient. This means that most donors or customers can utilize Twitter.
2) - The fan base or “tribe” following a small business or non-profit can use Twitter to make small commitments (buy or donate money) and spread the word with very little effort!
Yeah…. I’m with you on not keeping score. I would extend that beyond Twitter, beyond Web 2.0, and probably even beyond the web. It’s quality not quantity, in Twitter followers, website visitors, clients, friends, neighbors, co-workers, partners…. etc. Heck, even spouses ;0)
Low quality versions eat up your bandwidth.
When someone qwits you, lovingly qwit them back, and give them a mental thank you for taking up less of your precious attention, while increasing the overall quality of your follower-base, which just became more likely — per capita — to support the cause you tweet about, read your blog post, hire you, or buy your book.
- Rowan
p.s. franswaa, no gravatar?
@Barbara - I love your point: “delivering value, entertainment and relevant content drives our collective twitter experience.”
@Rowan - I actually like qwitter. I use it as a way to focus my content on the value that I provide my clients. If people qwuit, they just weren’t a fit!
Thank you - you gave me idea!
Congratulations! You are one of the very few people that understands the concept of “networking”. It is about sharing your expertise with others on the chance that someday they will need your business services and are willing to pay the price. To explain the other side of what not to do in more elaborate terms: 1) self promotion of your business doesn’t work and turns off readers; 2) repeated tweets in which you add no value but just direct people to another site is not communicating or helping others–an opinion or commentary or added value comment would make the referral to another link valuable; 3) readers of Twitter seem to fall into three categories that I’ve spotted so far, business promoters (no interest), business enhancers offering genuine advice (my primary reason for following smart people); and 3) people who want to interact with others but don’t want to leave their home or office and have said goodbye to the bars as a place to meet long ago (I’m always happy to have a social conversation with someone on Twitter). Your post highlights that reason #1 fails to reach its target because it is nothing more than shameless self-promotion akin to a used car salesman shouting on the Sunday morning tv ads.